Ode to My Papa

April 2022

Oh, Papa

Dad, it feels like you should have been there. I found myself looking for you. It’s like my mind did not register what my heart already knew. All the people there were those I knew only through you. Gardiner, right near the park entrance, is somewhere I only knew about because of staying there with you. It honestly felt like I was looking for someone who got lost. Like a kid in a grocery store. I kept looking for you. Thinking I’d catch a glimpse of your iconic mustache or your Weed Police beanie. But no. Nothing. And then I began to feel like the lost child. I suppose I am, in a way.

I went to Yellowstone. Without you. But everything around me was all you. Your wolf mobile. Your friends. Your wife. Your wolves. Everything that makes Yellowstone feel like all is right in the world. Except you.

The whole weekend felt as right as something so wrong could feel. It was bittersweet to see family, friends, and wolf watchers I had not yet met. While a lot of things were up in the air because of weather and out-of-state memorial location, things fell into place nicely. Thanks for helping with that, Pop. I hope we made you proud.

After Alicia spread your ashes with your long-lost pup Roxy’s ashes, I could feel a shift in the air. A few of us spoke about your ‘Last Road Trip Extraordinaire’. This will officially be your longest ‘road’ trip ever. Even longer than the 45,000-mile one in 2005! I don’t know how you knew to send out a lone wolf about 20 minutes later to cross our path. We could see this majestic creature without the use of a scope! We were in disbelief, crescent-shaped eyes half open with admiration and also partly closed with grief. We wiped away tears while managing half-smiles. Smiles of gratitude we had the privilege of seeing a wolf so close. An event that could not be more fitting, more reassuring than this. It marked a first for me. The first time seeing a wolf without you. I know you were there, but you were not narrating this wolf’s behavior, recounting its history, and sharing facts about its pack.

June 2022

I survived my first Father’s Day without you. Something I’d been dreading since it all happened. I was reminded of this when Mother’s Day was coming around and realized I didn’t have my birth parents to buy or celebrate with for these back-to-back holidays. I didn’t put pressure on myself to do something. I’m not ready to come up with a tradition yet. Probably because I’m not willing to accept your absence yet. I spent downtime with my family. Much needed, unstructured quality time. I cleaned the garage for John and grilled good food. I’m sure you approved.

Not only have you been heavy on my heart because of Father’s Day, but especially with the devastating floods in Yellowstone. The park is not the same. So much work is to be done to allow tourists again. You would be just beside yourself not being able to visit for months. I suppose you did that right. You’re the only one in the park right now as the Wolf Guardian. Enjoy this peaceful time there and take care of the people, the wildlife, and the park. They need you.