Being present. Authentically. Genuine in nature.
This is a blog entry I started months ago. I often write without publishing because it is the process of releasing my feelings into words, not necessarily the sharing, that is the most therapeutic. When I do post a blog, it is with the hope that my sentiments resonate with someone and make them feel less anxious. Less weird. Less isolated. So, this post is worth sharing for a few reasons. Looking back, it encompasses a general theme I have attached to 2024. Also, it’s important for those who care about me to know the inner workings of motherhood and how it has affected me.
I am so wrapped up into my family that I can be hard to reach. It might be that my son has actually tied a string to attach himself to me so he can smother me in kisses. Or maybe I am relishing in a silly or serious moment with my teenager daughter. Or possibly catching up with my husband after a few days of busy schedules. I’m not hard to reach because I am so busy I cannot answer my phone. I am usually playing, resting, working, or doing something that keeps me healthy, sane or happy. Often times, ruining the moment (that may or may not resume as normal after I hang up or text back) is the reason for the missed call or unanswered messages. I am also forgetful. And anxious. I’m terrible at returning calls and messages. Not because I don’t care but because I am consumed, by choice, with my little family. I try to take it one day at a time. How can you be in the moment if you’re already planning the next one?
When my mom passed away, then my dad too soon later, it hit me. My kids needed me to be present. I was important. And not for the big things, but the mundane everyday moments. I realized I needed to take care of myself to be the best version of mom that I could be. I felt myself turning away from the social scene and inward toward my family. I made decisions that made it hard for me to maintain friendships. I don’t feel comfortable spending time with friends if I’m not caught up on quality time with my husband and kids. Intentional time with my family fuels my heart for other relationships and personal growth.
This sentiment became more ingrained when I turned 43. Cue inner monologue:
I’m getting older. If I were my mom, I would have only 15 more years to live. If I followed in my dad’s footsteps, I’d have only 20. That’s not long enough to see and do what I want with my family. I want to be present as much as possible. Not thinking of the next meal, next practice, next weekend’s plans. If I prioritize being present, I’ll feel less guilty taking care of myself. I have to be the best version of myself to be my best (not perfect) for them. We need to create memories in the most wholesome of ways that endure the test of time. Doing the simple things to show each other we care. More time at home. So they always want to come back here when they are grown.
‘Family First’ needs to be more than just a hashtag; it needs to be a fulfilling lifestyle.
Last school year provided me with challenges I was not prepared for, even as a mother who has almost completed her doctorate in education. My heart was breaking as I fielded phone calls and messages constantly about my son’s behavior. He was acting out. A lot. I bought the books. I read the blogs. I spent hours making visual schedules, positive behavior sticker charts, buying supplements, and researching how best to help him. I came to a low point where I imagined him being in trouble with the law as a teen. I was becoming hopeless. If you know, I’m an optimist by nature so this shows how broken down I became.
Advocating for my son became the epitome of prioritizing family. It took all my energy, time and effort. With the support of so many people I cannot begin to name, we found answers. To receive a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism and to be given a second chance was just what we needed. He started to attend my school where teachers, who had been on this journey with me, welcomed him with smiles and affection knowing what he had experienced. He thrived from the moment he started and our lives have been fuller and more joyous since. I don’t know how I was fortunate enough to elicit the time and energy from others to help me help my son but it happened. Balancing the needs of a neurodivergent child and a neurotypical teenager simultaneously was and still is hard to navigate.
My story is not unique in that every mother advocates for their family values, their child’s needs, or something similar that takes up an enormous amount of heart and head space. There isn’t a lot of leftover over time or reserved energy for anything else after teaching all day and momming every minute in between. Do I wish I could meet up with friends regularly? Yes. Does chatting for an hour on the phone to catch up sound great? Not really. I am better in person and also am easily distracted. Reading the room is way easier in the flesh for me. I know it’s not the norm, but I am confident that my writing/ texting comes across as authentically me. Besides being in person, writing is the most genuine means of communication I have to offer the world. For some people it is second nature to pick up the phone and for me it’s putting my feelings into written form.
Writing this makes me reminds me of a song my dad used to sing, especially Vegas at the BlackJack table, “when you’re hot, you’re hot, and when you’re not you’re not.” When I’m social, I’m very social and bubbly bouncing around chatting hoping to make people laugh. When I’m not social, I’m content on the couch with my family or alone with a book. These are equally satisfying to me. While it may surprise some, I consider myself an extroverted introvert. I believe how you recharge your battery speaks to your social nature. Being alone in a quiet or with few people in a lowkey space refuels my low social battery. Perhaps that is why writing blogs like this, reading books, or engaging in sentimental reflection is so cathartic.
2024 was full of growth for me as a person, educator, and especially as a mom. Thank you for your patience and support if you were around for it. It was a lot of deep soul work. That work is not done. It probably never will be. If you know me, I worry less when I know more, so I am still collecting books, listening to documentaries, connecting with others with shared experiences, and actively seeking out all the ways for my children to feel authentically present in their own lives.